For a Friend

I fell up into a chalice of love
My insides rose into my throat
My mind soared and thrived
My heart filled and pumped.

A hawk dove and
I could hear the wind
On its wings
Feel its purpose.

Beyond the sunset I detected
A rebirth
A rising sun bringing
Warmth and cheer
Joy and peace.

Up the slopes and onward
Through the now thick
Snow of night
The cries of so many angels
Burst forth.

The feeling of loss
Of what could or
Might have been
Vanished.

The darkness slowly lifted
Snow melted away
And I was free.

whatever

been a while
what do I think
what do i know
what have i learned

what can i see with my eyes closed?
am i underground
fighting a mole
reading a book
tempting fate.

am I a fox
or am I chasing one.

what could I do instead?
what is safer,
what is more risky?

I haven't written in so long, my fingers
rust and feel decayed.

I've done so much with my time, and yet
so little.

i have a repetitive beat in my ears
and I can't describe it in text

beat
beat
beat
beat

so angry about
everything
about how life is
so restrained (suicide genes)
about how life takes its tole
and leaves you a husk
about how slowly the notepad fills up with horrid thoughts.

it stormed today and it seemed
to mirror my attitude.
what can I do to be more free... what
can I do to feel less contained?
rusty cage (rusty cage)

where is Croatia?
is it where i can find
my redemption?
how far I've come in the last
two years.
I'm so scared
I'm so hopeless
I'm lost without the progress I've made
I'm lost anyway.

where will I got? what should I do?
can I buy my way out?
slithering to freedom via a duct of shit (shawshank)

can I pretend to be a tree and grow up high so I can
see the sun? can I burst
forth through the pollution and convolution.
can i twitch with due on my leaves
can I wear bark and breath carbon dioxide.

I feel the jiggle deep in me like
a seed beginning to grow, reaching the
point of cascade and so on and so on and
sun.

head shaking, limbs swaying. rocking like
a babe.

enter enter

enter enter

I remember high school
I remember elementary
I remember junior high
I remember innocence.
I remember it falling into the pit and being forgotten.

I remember Michael and Taylor.
I remember the crawley children and the waymans. I remember
weekends at the playground. I remember hot, hot days
spent circling on my bike.

I remember running into a little boy. I remember the shaky feeling
in my legs.

I remember amnesia and coming out of it. I remember the computer games, the adventure
games and mechanics games, I remember the arcade.
I remember the legos and the playing with toys in the basement.

I remember moving and the tornado. So many tornados, yet just one.
I remember walking slowly, screaming.

I remember Tyler and Chad, and Zach. I remember grand notions,
ambitions, films, nights spent up creating; writing, loving
everything.

I remember english, design, biology, like sweeping arcs of a scythe gone now. I remember groups
feeling left out, cast aside,
feeling stupid,
falling asleep hoping never to wake up. I remember days of nothing, I remember love of nothing
and everything.

I remember the repetition, i remember the boredom. I remember learning nothing. knowing nothing, hating

everything.

can't i just live. can't i just stay home and eat and sit and do nothing. can't i find
an art. can't i devote my time to learning.

i remember the difficulties and the trials and the nothing and hte nothing and the crying.
I remember the crying, crying, crying, remember what was and hoping for it back. i remember feeling
unrefined. I remember the rap and the electronica, i remember straining to learn
I remember giving up endlessly.

I have more going for me. I can't wish it away because I'll regret it for the
rest of my life.
I cry, I sit and mope. I wish I could see the end.

but there's so much more to remember before that time comes.

Did my brake booster in the Saturn this weekend.

The Eclipse

I don't know how to say this, but
I saw your shadow pass over me
in the sunlight. I tempted
fate and pulled you toward me.
I gasped and sighed, exhilarated,
swooned, tripped, betrayed remembered.
Wound reopened, tears shed.
Possibilities lost like leaves in wind
gifts un-given, words unspoken,
lies kept inside behind my eyes
how could you eclipse the sun,
and be so perfect that you're
not for me. How can a man
profess love for such radiance?

-

Such a boon of remembrance.
a reward of excellence.
When I'm gone, what will
be of you?
is my heart in such a state
that thinking of the end
can wrench from me true,
unspoken, raw emotion...

My Night

I watch you, so euphoric
the high is coming down, down

down
down...

why so much violation. why
such a cum dumpster. Oh to
the sun and the stars, so
much inate pain and anguish
so much tantric taint.

so dark and so late...
i'm so sorry.


agony, anguish anguish
shelved beds with cut
bodies
scratchy, sleep filled eyes
sore fingers,
typing, clicking away.
ugly, demoted men staring
staring at my unfortunate
situation, murder.

I write despondent, unable
to solve. unable to resolve
meet the requirements
beat the system
throw egg on their face.
prove them wrong.

explain my side of the story.

when will my spacing be
back to normal, and when will
my alarm clock stop singing out
so early
in the morning.

when will the bridge be lowered
for me to cross.
when can I jump from the bridge.
will they give me a crutch
to hold me up?
will they call me Tommy and tell me
to come down... will they tell me
I'm scaring everyone?

knocked down in the rain and beaten
so desperate and desolate and depressed

so dark are these words... filled with
remorse and sadness. where are the happy words?

where are the little kittens licking my face
in the morning?

it's 2:49 AM. when can I sleep?

Afternoon Fix

Afternoon Fix.

I've seen and done many horrible things.
I'm now perched precariously on the wall,
legs swinging above a drop so high.

The text tells me what to do next but
I can't even think it; I'm so scared.

Today is the last day of forever?
The first day of the end?
How fast will it come?

I slip off my shoes and they topple
end over end into the abyss. my hair
blows in the wind and I let out a sigh.

Then it's done. Fixed.

Lunch

Lunch.

Were I to feast on your pleasure,
would I put you in a brown bag?

Or would you be the apple of my life
that was never hidden or packed away?

If I go to lunch will you be my date;
will you be mine and only mine in this
brown and tan world?

Or will you, like the bag, ultimately end
up in the garbage?

Dogs

I was listening to Dogs by Pink Floyd whilst sitting in my chair at work this morning.

My mind enjoyed that. Very good stuff.

Terry Jacks

So much has changed.







I wish I could tell you.
How many times I've thought:
I'm the luckiest one in the world.
I'm the winner. I've obtained so much.

Why do I feel so much hostility.
why do I feel so down?
I'm tired, I'm tired,
I'm tired,

I thought about something.

I think about something.

What if I was a year younger?
why can't I feel like I did years ago
why am I traveling down this road
when I am just so tired.

so tired, so tired,
so tired.

Why can't I be happy like I used to be
where'd it all go... the sun and
the innocence.
the energy.

it's tired, tired,
it's just so tired.

So much has changed.
I haven't done this in so long...
I remember the movements of pen on paper
I remember the lectures and the people
I remember the showers and the drives down...
I remember the beginning of it.
It was so perfect...
Lets try that one more time.

General

What should I do.

It's been forever since I did.
It's been ages and ages...
what have I done in the last forever?

How far have I come with the love of my life?
How far will I go?
it will last forever. And forever is a long time.

My mind has been drained of any thoughts
or feelings other than anxiety and nervousness
I've been wrought with worry. I'm twisted iron
knee.

I can't feel my fingers and my fingers can't feel the keys.
I want some wind and want some smells. Want the flashing to stop.
I want to decrease the volume I want to spend some time in silence.
There're times when I want to be part of the group.

Should I get a band and offer it? should it be casual. It will be.

should there be a beat
and a drum in the silence...
when will the questions stop?
when will worry subside?
will it really be ok?

...

I've lost a quality that I enjoyed.
there used to be some fantastic civilization beyond a thin grey film
in my mind. I used to have access to some mental capacity to
pride myself in.

Or is that wrong?

I've not been tempted by lust for anyone.
there's been no fluttering in my stomach for another.
my heart is so content, yet worried at a loss.
it cries every day and sometimes I give up in my mind.

I love you too

Sometimes i feel like putting myself down
I'm worthless as a penny... but there are times
when I'm useful.

There are days when I jump in a bed of nails
only to get back up and just feel worse.
I feel so miserable but benevolent at times.
I love giving and I love having someone to give to.

I wouldn't give any of it up for the world and the world knows it.

No words in so long... time has flown by... a year,
a year and a half coming soon...
leaving for a life. My
hope is so big that
my love will
return to
me.

Tamborine

I felt deeply and felt tough ringing
I jollied and frogged and seemed

It was such a cloud of retrospect...
such a bewildering anagram
a filched kilt.

A tamborine!

Christmas

Today was weird. I sat and did nothing all day...

I guess that's ok.

How are you?

Amperage

SPACE CADET:

To think outside the box. It's an utter cliche.

Sometimes I need something so loud that it drowns out all thought; Something that pierces the deepest parts of my brain with sound, rhythm, and meaning. I don't care how things are meant to be written. I don't care about rules and the way things are "supposed" to be. All I care about is something getting put on paper (Or a digital canvas).

Sometimes I get so lost thinking. It's such a pleasure to come down from all those worries and drown myself - to flush out the bad with something I love so much.

Some people resort to drugs. And once they do they've ruined something in themselves. Before they take that first puff of weed or that first shot of heroin there's something in them that is so right; something that God put there for a reason.

I've got to sing along and raise my voice. I've got to thrash around and hurt myself. I've got to blindly run forward until darkness clotheslines me. I've got to take my eyes out and see things the way they're supposed to be seen - so dim and blurred. So misshapen and unfocused. I've got to read between the lines, my nose pressed hard against the screen. I've got to embrace someone I love and ask if they can help me. I need their help.

Slumped under the weight, I begin to breathe hard and my mind races. I turn for comfort. I rest my eyes on beauty.

I feel taxed and smothered. I feel the lights begin to go out. I cry ceaselessly. Please God!

Odd. I see.

It breathes deeply and terrifies my spirit.

underwater and baffled - a strict tick.
tempered in steel and sealed away.
and, and,
forgotten 'til it comes again!

utter a silence...
a restrictive old palette.
a tongued mouth, making love,
love, love.

lips and stitches,
and, and,
naive old parrot heels!

I'm a sick old man.

Overture

I slept in a cadaver
a quaint old woman
tidy but cold.

My flu was contracted
a suede ol' template
nurses nursed my
ache away.

Some sort of revelation
a skin graft
for my heart.

Tedium and reckless
in two
two many more than
one.

I've seen a shining
star dwindle.

I've seen a coward
raise a fist.

Caring is enough to
turn the hair white
and wilt.

Braffle

Chanting never seemed so big
so precarious
so wonderous and vaguely
satisfying.

ranting and praying and crying.
I have a dark spot on my eye
my eyes my screens
my rain in may.

trickle
I never loosened my grip
my touch with a cold reality
my temper with a hard edge.

trickle
I never watched the lights go
out
the curtains close
the view skewed. screwed.

trickle
I wilted like a bud and
struggled like a dying bird.
I kicked my feet and bled out.

I never clapped a down-pour
on the back and sang like I
meant it.
I think so little so much.
I breathe like a tempest and
shoulder my way through.
*******************************
200th post.

Explain

I filtered a honey
a stream-lined self
indulgence.
I pilfered a rocket
called her caller
called her smalls.
called her love.

I pretensed a tension;
a silken salad-like
temper.

I lurched and spurned.
I fell like a groan.
I lit the way for others
to folly

Prayer

Channel the suffering channel it channel it
make it feel better
calm it
calm it
cook it in the pot
boil it and burn it.

God -
There's a monster in the closet,
will You please kill it for me?

There are people chained and beaten,
will You set them free?

There are children in pain, abused,
will You save them?

There's a crying young woman,
will You wipe her tears away?

There's me, I have found just what I need,
will You let me stay this course?

You may not answer yes to all,
I have accepted that.
My heart and soul are Yours to guide
my future, Yours to decide.

Praise You.

I can't help the thought of sadness
that wells
and swells.
bursting and bubbling
I become reclusive and won't speak
I'll pray and hide my face.
I'll wait till I'm pulled free
and shaken awake by my sweetheart,
for she is perfect for me.

I'll die and wither
lie under the earth forever.
I'll tend the worms and
if I really have a soul, it will float away.
God will have it.

I'll stop my talking and my sorrows,
my unending apologetics
and heathenism. The faith that has
been lent to me. I have made it my own
and now I can see.
as with glasses.
sparks and shimmers
and tension relieved.

Amazing Grace.

Dusty Shame

backhand the sabot
clandestine shields
send the demons
and picket the statues'
mustaches
poultry nickels
tactless salmon
tickled feet.
pills hard to swallow.
green tint silhouette.
pals love pals
sticks break on stones
unfortunate.
glazed and dry at
the same time.
same time!
a desert of
endless swim
pick a fight with a whim
dark glass beads
beats and screams...

sick is a little
gentle kid.
work so hard to
be such a big person
so small.

lights sit bright
in sight.
old as wrought iron
branded tongues
on salt lick.

Got nothing but something
an overused line to give
me what I need.

no punctuation but
a punctual nature and
a punctual entomology
retina. a donut
drenched in blackness
a coffee filled with morning
-ness

ah - a rainbow burden.
a complete oxymoron and a
left out thought. a curse!
a tear!
a meandering-line waltz!
dance like a whale on
acid!

Thunder.

Eros

Pampered sift.
sifting sand and thought
add dreams and butter,
bread and feelings.

Tender and ardent
silent and silken
lardacious-not.

pin-prick Neptune
shiv. Brand-old
maternity blimp.

goose-egg darling.
good egg darling.
my darling.