Well...

It's not important what I've thought in the past.  What's important was that whatever I did think and write down, I meant it at the time.  I look back from time to time and wonder just what the fuck I was thinking, and then I realize:  I was thinking.  Now, not so much.  From time to time I get drunk and look on facebook at people that I used to be acquainted with (slightly) and I imagine all that they've done.  I think about how they got married in some temple and wonder what that place is really like.  I have fun, nostalgic feelings.  I remember how I used to be, and realize that how I am now cannot facilitate that.  I watch sad video clips and read sad stories as an outlet to cry so that I'll come back down to square one and feel better.  I remember my friends that no longer really are.  It has been a while, friends.  Luckily we have these blog posts, social media, and previous online chats to remind us of what was if we ever get curious.  Now time is filled with trying to get ahead so that I can start to relax again later.  Let me lay myself against the grindstone and forget again about what used to be.

Love.

The Closeness

The Closeness

Where have I been feeling so close and undertone brilliant red and saturate
when does the brother become the son become the wind become the end
a tan line in brine; a sign of the end of my wind.

Shaken closely, rubbing, breaking apart like small ones.
Coming lose, wallowing, billowing, crumbling downward down the pipe
Do we make it, or do we see black?

Tender eyes can’t stand the truth, tender ears can’t bear the noise. We cry lightly
but we come through.
we seek what really exists right before us
so close we can taste it.

Written With Closed Eyes

someday we must quit hiding behind our temples
our stupid fucking manipulations
hearings and see that there's
a lot of scramble in this dimple
of the universe. I think
I find it hard to understand
that you can't see the same way
that I do

where do I go
must I go
must where, where must
come now and show me what I need to see
what is it I need to make this happen
must I be Raoul duke, and
suffer through
it all
the great horrible.
the great incredible
terrible
awful
my mind is rampant
and hurt
crusting away
bleeding delightfully

we shall soon open our hearts and minds
and tell each other how things really are.
we will be shocked
to find that we all say the same thing.

then we'll unify and greatly destroy the rwrongness.
what wrongness... the wrongness that
seeps outward
like a cowardly lion.
seeks to be away from the pride.
seeks to ruin what is correct with the world
seeks to spread hate and lie and deceit and
torture
seeks to strip her people
of the right to anything
the right to a comfort this country was founded on
limitless right
limitless right
with white powder and dope
drizzled onward and
toward the sky of many creations.

the plane floating nearby will be our
sacrifice and our
salvation in this
blue, blue place.
blue and red
blue and red
blue and red
like a pupil after this evening
so much liquor and hatred
so much temper and irrelevance.

This being said, I'm a human too.