whatever

been a while
what do I think
what do i know
what have i learned

what can i see with my eyes closed?
am i underground
fighting a mole
reading a book
tempting fate.

am I a fox
or am I chasing one.

what could I do instead?
what is safer,
what is more risky?

I haven't written in so long, my fingers
rust and feel decayed.

I've done so much with my time, and yet
so little.

i have a repetitive beat in my ears
and I can't describe it in text

beat
beat
beat
beat

so angry about
everything
about how life is
so restrained (suicide genes)
about how life takes its tole
and leaves you a husk
about how slowly the notepad fills up with horrid thoughts.

it stormed today and it seemed
to mirror my attitude.
what can I do to be more free... what
can I do to feel less contained?
rusty cage (rusty cage)

where is Croatia?
is it where i can find
my redemption?
how far I've come in the last
two years.
I'm so scared
I'm so hopeless
I'm lost without the progress I've made
I'm lost anyway.

where will I got? what should I do?
can I buy my way out?
slithering to freedom via a duct of shit (shawshank)

can I pretend to be a tree and grow up high so I can
see the sun? can I burst
forth through the pollution and convolution.
can i twitch with due on my leaves
can I wear bark and breath carbon dioxide.

I feel the jiggle deep in me like
a seed beginning to grow, reaching the
point of cascade and so on and so on and
sun.

head shaking, limbs swaying. rocking like
a babe.

enter enter

enter enter

I remember high school
I remember elementary
I remember junior high
I remember innocence.
I remember it falling into the pit and being forgotten.

I remember Michael and Taylor.
I remember the crawley children and the waymans. I remember
weekends at the playground. I remember hot, hot days
spent circling on my bike.

I remember running into a little boy. I remember the shaky feeling
in my legs.

I remember amnesia and coming out of it. I remember the computer games, the adventure
games and mechanics games, I remember the arcade.
I remember the legos and the playing with toys in the basement.

I remember moving and the tornado. So many tornados, yet just one.
I remember walking slowly, screaming.

I remember Tyler and Chad, and Zach. I remember grand notions,
ambitions, films, nights spent up creating; writing, loving
everything.

I remember english, design, biology, like sweeping arcs of a scythe gone now. I remember groups
feeling left out, cast aside,
feeling stupid,
falling asleep hoping never to wake up. I remember days of nothing, I remember love of nothing
and everything.

I remember the repetition, i remember the boredom. I remember learning nothing. knowing nothing, hating

everything.

can't i just live. can't i just stay home and eat and sit and do nothing. can't i find
an art. can't i devote my time to learning.

i remember the difficulties and the trials and the nothing and hte nothing and the crying.
I remember the crying, crying, crying, remember what was and hoping for it back. i remember feeling
unrefined. I remember the rap and the electronica, i remember straining to learn
I remember giving up endlessly.

I have more going for me. I can't wish it away because I'll regret it for the
rest of my life.
I cry, I sit and mope. I wish I could see the end.

but there's so much more to remember before that time comes.